Technorati Tags: being, boy., bullied, daughter, grade, School, seventh, Year

Technorati Tags: break, fear

Technorati Tags: fear, Groups, over, Speaking

Fear is a persistent and insatiable guest who is always looking for something scary to eat. The financial headlines and emotionally charged news of the day provide a banquet feast for fear.

The more fear is fed the bigger it grows. The bigger it gets, the more overwhelming and devouring it becomes. As it inflates, fear bullies us into feeling too vulnerable and victimized to do anything about it.

Like most bullies, fear does not have any real power. Though loud and intimidating, fear is powerless to do anything but scream in our ear and shake up our system. Fear only has power to the extent that we allow it to run our lives.

When you overfeed fear it becomes obese. Nothing else can fit in your house not love, not happiness, not friendship – Nothing. When terror rules your body and emotions, you can barely think. What can you do?

First realize that fear is a built in alarm system that comes with the house. You cannot get rid of it. Put fear on a low negativity diet to get it back to a reasonable size. I’m not suggesting a starvation diet. I am suggesting balancing a reasonable serving of speculative, negative news with heavy servings of reality check.

Fear will also feed on the negativity of others. If you can’t get close to the negativity without feasting on it, then cut back on your contact. As you feel stronger, you can begin to influence those conversations. I’m reminded of Socrates, who when confronted with gossip would ask three questions. First, “Is what you’re going to tell me true?” If the answer is no, then he would ask, “Is what you’re going to tell me good?” If that answer is no, he would ask a third question, “Is what you’re going to tell me useful?” If the person said no to all three questions, Socrates would ask, “Why would you tell me something that is not true, good or useful?”

When the alarm system in your house turns into a raving bully, you may need outside forces to get back in control. Find an experienced professional counselor or coach who can support you in confronting the bully of fear and resetting your alarm system.

Be aware! Fear is in the House with a ravenous appetite. Don’t allow it to feast at the table of scarcity, negativity, anger, resentment and powerlessness. Limit its diet to low servings of negativity balanced with enriched reality check. Supplement with support as needed. Bon appétit!

Technorati Tags: fear, Feeding

How does it feel to be bullied and teased? Hopefully it is something we will never experience. Being a mother this is a topic very close to my heart. I live with dread that my child will be bullied. Every parent wants to protect their child but bullying often happens away from the eyes of adults. It is deliberate and is meant to harm. It is a horrible thing to experience whether you are a child or an adult. It tends to peak in the 11-12 age group and the severity of the incidents tend to increase as age increases. As parents and care givers we need to understand that bullying is not a normal part of growing up.

Bullying is a general term which is applied to a pattern of behaviour where one person chooses to displace their aggression onto another person, generally chosen for their apparent vulnerability to the bully, they consistently criticise, nit-pick, exclude the child, isolate them and tease them using verbal, psychological, emotional and physical violence. When a child confides in us that they are being bullied we should take it extremely seriously. Going through the trauma of being bullied is very distressing for the victim and needs to be dealt with quickly. It is a terrible experience, which can leave the child fearful and desperate. Being bullied is never the child’s fault.

There tends to be three types of people involved in the majority of bullying incidents, the bully, the bullied and the bystander. Bystanders aid them by encouraging or rewarding them for their behaviour, laughing, participating or by failing to intervene and are in many cases as much to blame as the bully themselves.

Bullying happens in every school whether we want to believe that or not. Good schools are proactive in their approach and deal with incidents of bullying promptly, firmly and fairly. Whereby poor schools try to brush it under the carpet denying that it ever happened. In most schools which claim “there’s no bullying here”, the primary objective is to protect the school against bad publicity and to divert attention away from the fact that the head teacher does not have control of discipline, has poor interpersonal skills and is themself a poor teacher. The experience of being bullied for the child is traumatic.

Bullies torment their prey for months, often years. They are weak, disordered, dysfunctional and emotionally immature as evidenced by their need to bully. They tend to have negative interactions with others and such interactions are a characteristic of low self-esteem. Even adults find it difficult to defend themselves against the onslaught of bullies, especially a serial bully. It is a form of violence which is designed to cause the maximum physical, psychological and emotional injury. Bullying prevents children from undertaking their studies and results in grades which are lower than they would otherwise be, which means that the school appears lower down the league tables than they otherwise would. Bullying is initiated by one or more individuals with the intent to cause harm, fear or control over another person. The parents of these child bullies are responsible and they should be held accountable.

If a child learns how to bully, and gets away with it, there’s a lot of anecdotal evidence to suggest they leave school and carry on their bullying in the workplace. What message are the teachers and parents sending when they don’t take bullying seriously. Children can be cruel but it is up to the adults to guide them and be in charge. Children who live in homes where parents and older siblings “bully” are naturally going to have those tendencies. “This pattern of being bullied is associated with increased rates of absenteeism from school, lower grades and feeling sick.” Bullying is a leading cause of suicide in our young people.

Parents need to discourage inappropriate name calling, gestures and hurtful teasing. Parents need to act on this behaviour, let their children know that it is just simply not acceptable. Parents need to teach their children that people are different in this world, and help children learn to coexist with people who look differently, act differently, or may have medical conditions that may make them behave out of the norm from time to time. Some parents believe that if their child is picking on other students that this is just a normal growing process for their child and developmental in nature.

Every child has a right not to be bullied, harassed, assaulted or abused in their everyday life. At its extreme it can result in the death of a child, either from suicide (a very conservative estimate is that 16 children commit suicide in the UK each year because they are being bullied at school ), or from violence. Research shows that at least 50% of our children will be bullied at school. It has been shown that if you are severely bullied as a child, the trauma can last a lifetime.

Being bullied is something that should always be taken seriously. It is always very distressing for the victim and needs to be dealt with. You have to be very careful that your child does not feel that being bullied is their fault. If we allow our children to be bullied, what are we telling them about the world they live in? That it is acceptable behaviour? Bullying happens in the work place aswell and needs to be stamped out before it even gets there.

Just remember being bullied is never your child’s fault. Everybody has the right to live their lives without feeling bullied, threatened or unsafe.

Technorati Tags: bullying, Stop

What is Workplace Bullying?

In many ways, it is similar to playground bullying; except that as adults it should no longer be an issue. It is aggressive behavior that should be personally contained, but for some reason is not. Bullying involves more than one incident of aggressive negative behavior. It is a repeated pattern of negative behavior that usually involves a bully with more power or the convincing appearance of more power. Bullying can include acts that are intimidating, humiliating, and isolating and can be verbal or physical, blatant or subtle, active or passive. (Lutgen-Sandvik, 2006.)

The underlying message is that the bully can and will keep engaging in unwanted, negative behavior which you are powerless to stop. This sense of powerlessness grows and the target begins to feel bad about himself or herself, as well as frightened of the bully. Bullying appears to go on in an environment that tolerates or rewards hostile behavior without intervening. The effect on the “target” of bullying can be devastating, and there is substantial research which shows that targets can experience a wide range of related illnesses, from depression and loss of sleep to intestinal disorders and increased risk of heart disease. Productivity drops, teamwork suffers, good employees leave, and employers have increased medical and legal claims. (Yamada, 2008.) Research even shows that workplace bullying has a more negative effect on employees than sexual harassment, perhaps because there are more procedures in place for dealing with sexual harassment nowadays. (Bryner, 2008)

Who Are the Bullies at Work?

From my experience and interdisciplinary training, I strongly believe that bullies at work are High Conflict People (“HCPs”) with high conflict personalities. By this I mean that they bring this behavior with them, rather than that they are reacting to an external “issue” or that other people “make” them behave this way. I believe that bullying is part of “who they are”—their life-long pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving. This began before they took this job.

From my observations, there are four personality types most often engaged in workplace bullying. Each of these types is trying to overcome a sense of weakness or fear in themselves, although they are usually not aware of this. (And don’t try to point it out to them!) They are unconsciously driven to find and attack what I call their “Targets of Blame,” because this helps them briefly feel less anxious and helpless themselves by feeling able to hurt others. Their targets can be anyone. It’s not personal. It’s about the bully, not about the target.

“I’m Very Superior” type: These bullies are stuck trying to prove to themselves and others that they are superior beings. They are really afraid of being seen as inferior, but this fear is not conscious and they will become very defensive if you suggest that they are worried about being seen as inferior. They show frequent disdain and disrespect towards those closest to them. This is mostly verbal, but they may engage in humiliating jokes, tricks or maneuvers to make you look bad (to make them look good, they hope). This is automatic behavior for them.

“Love-You, Hate-You” type: These bullies often seek revenge for perceived rejections from those they thought were very good friends. Once their fantasy of friendship fades, they retaliate. Even if you did nothing, they don’t check out misinformation—instead they act on it. They may spread rumors and make claims that you are an extremely uncaring or unethical person. If there was a conflict, they want others to believe it’s all your fault. They have a lot of all-or-nothing thinking and they jump to conclusions. “You’re with me or you’re against me.” They can easily fly into a rage, and sometimes they become violent or stalk their Targets.

“I Need to Dominate” type: These bullies go beyond just wanting to appear superior. They enjoy hurting other people. They fear being dominated, so they try to find someone, somewhere, who they can dominate. As long as they are harming someone else, they feel less vulnerable. They may say hurtful things, but they often do hurtful things, including stealing from those they are closest to, manipulating you into doing favors and then stabbing you in the back, and being willing to destroy your career for some short-term goal. You may feel that you are being manipulated or in danger. Be skeptical of strange schemes. They are con artists.

“I Can’t Trust Anyone” type: These bullies are highly suspicious of others and may believe that you are taking advantage of them, when you don’t even know them personally. They bear a grudge and will attack you before (they think) you are going to attack them. They can spread rumors that you want to harm them, and they believe it themselves. They often create high conflict situations because of their excessive fears of everyone else.

All of these bullies feel that they are victims. They think that you are a danger to them, and so they believe they are justified in attacking you. While it may seem that they are enjoying bullying others, it is not true enjoyment. They enjoy the momentary feeling of being in power. Most people don’t need to have power over someone else in a negative way. But for these bullies, that is the only satisfaction in a daily struggle of feeling that they are everyone else’s victim. Remember, this feeling is not conscious and you will make it worse if you suggest this to them.

Are Bullies Increasing at Work?

Over the past couple decades, workplace bullying has begun to receive the same kind of attention that schoolyard bullying has received for years. Perhaps it’s the same dynamics, for people whose personality development has been stuck since childhood. Interestingly, research indicates that 16 to 21 percent of employees experience health-endangering bullying and that it’s four times greater than sexual harassment reports. (Yamada, 2008)

These statistics (16 to 21 percent) are very similar to the statistics for personality disorders in society (approximately 15-17%). Since bullies also have enduring patterns of dysfunctional behavior, many of them may have personality disorders. Research on family violence shows a strong correlation between ongoing domestic abuse and personality disorders. (Dutton, 2007)

It’s also interesting that the growth of this problem in the workplace seems to have paralleled the increase in personality disorders in our modern society. They can’t seem to stop themselves and many organizations seem to tolerate them. With the increase in self-centeredness and decrease in empathy, we can expect to see more of this problem in the future.

What Can You Do?

If you are being bullied, there are several things to consider.

1. Don’t take it personally. Avoid becoming self-critical or becoming isolated. Bullying behavior is about the bully, not the target. There is nothing you could have done to deserve this behavior.  

2. Get help. Talk to someone about the bullying, even if it’s a friend, family member or co-worker. Start where it’s easiest to start. You will feel stronger, rather than weaker. Don’t try to stop the bully alone. That is a mistake many individuals make and many organizations make.

3. Find out your organization’s policy about bullying. There may be a resource person to whom you can report the bullying, such as in Human Resources or an Employee Assistance Person. The best policies encourage co-workers and managers to work together to halt bullying behavior and to have the bully removed, if necessary. If you are being bullied by your immediate supervisor and if your organization says you have to talk to that person, look around for someone else to talk to. Such a policy is disfavored and there may be someone else in your organization who you can speak to.

4. Remember you have choices. Many excellent employees leave organizations which allow bullies to run rampant. You don’t have to tolerate a hostile work environment. Knowing you have choices and investigating your options (like researching other job options) will give you strength. Remember, bullying is not about you. It’s about the bully and the bully’s personality problems. You don’t have to be stuck. Perhaps a change of departments or supervisors may be a solution, so that you don’t have to leave the organization. But don’t get stuck feeling stuck.

What Can Your Organization Do?

To be honest, the problem is really a cultural problem. The workplace culture must reject bullying, as there is little the individual worker can do. Successful programs aimed at reducing playground bullying focus on the school environment. Likewise, workplace bullying needs to be addressed at the organizational level. Here are a few suggestions for a comprehensive approach:

1. Policies Against Bullying: Leadership in the workplace must establish clear policies against bullying and for healthy conflict resolution. Clarifying that bullying is unwanted, aggressive, negative behavior of any type will help employees begin to understand where to draw the lines. Clarifying what the consequences are of workplace bullying (and that the organization will enforce them) can go a long way to helping employees feel safe. Employees as a group should know what the policies are, as bullies often distort their understanding of the rules to allow their inappropriate behavior.

2. Prevention of Bullying: Programs designed to reduce school bullying often have a committee of representatives from different parts of the school community. This committee then develops and disseminates prevention activities. By involving all levels of employees and management, such a team approach has a better chance of changing an organizational culture than simply a top down initiative. However, top management has to strongly support it in a meaningful way, or it will fail.

3. Staff Training: Training all workers to support each other and “set limits” on their co-workers may be more effective than just setting company policies. (Bryner, 2008) When all workers feel responsible for the quality of the workplace environment, it seems to calm down aggressive employees. In contrast, when workers feel that “anything goes” or “it’s not my problem,” there is more likely to be aggressive, bullying behavior. Practicing conflict scenarios and what co-workers can say and do is a particularly useful approach.

4. Confidential Lines of Communication: Many bullies are in positions of authority over their targets. Therefore, lines of communication which require reporting such problems to one’s immediate superior do not work. There needs to be independent resource people for reporting bullying to the organization and to the leadership.

5. Counseling: It would help employees and organizations to have a resource person for bullied individuals to use to discuss bullying experiences in confidence. This may help employees and organizations reduce the downward spiral of self-doubt and health problems that bullying often triggers. Such a service could be of assistance to bullies as well, so that the organization may be able to keep some of these employees while assisting them in improving their workplace behavior.

6. Consequences: There have to be real consequences for bullies, which everyone can see. That way other potential bullies will be more careful to follow the rules and other potential victims will know that they work where they will be protected.

7. Healthy Workplace Laws: Some states and countries are considering healthy workplace legislation which would establish expectations for employee behavior, and also provide for legal redress for workplace bullying. This should be encouraged, because it must be part of the culture, not up to the individual victim to deal with.

In summary, bullying appears to be a growing problem. Individual targets are usually overwhelmed, especially because bullies appear to have the active or passive support of their employers. Therefore, a comprehensive approach may have the best chance of success for a company or organization attempting to address this problem. Understanding that bullying is primarily an unconscious behavior based on long-term personality patterns may assist organizations and individuals in approaching this more effectively.

Most workplace bullies may be High Conflict People (HCPs) with high conflict personalities. Realizing this helps understand that the problem is:

· A problem of long duration that won’t just go away.

· It is a deep and serious problem, rather than a minor problem.

· It is a problem that must be solved at the community level, rather than putting the burden on the individual target to stop the HCP.

Best wishes in handling this problem. Remember, you are not alone and you don’t need to take any bullying personally. It is not about you—it’s about the bully’s pattern of behavior, and everyone’s willingness to set limits on it.

Technorati Tags: bullies, Workplace

Can anyone help me get over this fear? There are times it controls my life and keeps me from doing things I want to do.

Technorati Tags: Crowds, fear, over

Children who are bullied need to know they are not the problem. Bullying is about the bully needing to feel powerful. They believe their wants are more important than anyone else’s. They have learned to be abusers.
Bullying always involves:
·        Intimidation through specific tactics meant to instill fear
·        Threats of emotional, physical and psychological harm
·        Discrimination by accusing the victim of being inferior or wrong
·        Isolation of the victim from others who may give support.
We must help the victims. This can be done by;
·        Listening to their stories of life at school
·        Watching for changes in behaviour, especially from happy to fearful
·        Observing their play and listening to how they interact with others
·        Asking about any indications that hint at being afraid or avoiding people or places.
You are looking for fear of the school yard, anxiety about who will be in their class, talk of having no friends, worry about their teacher’s treatment of them and in general a focus on feeling safe rather than excited to be able to learn and grow.
We can identify bullies by;
·        Watching the way they talk to and about other children
·        Observing the way their parents speak to them
·        Look at who their friends are and the interaction between them
·        Paying attention to the types of games they play and TV programs they prefer.
Signs include belittling and name calling, talk of “getting” other people, a superior attitude with lack of care and empathy for others and forming groups where the group acts aggressively against siblings, younger children or members of a race, religion or sexual orientation. Bullies often present as confident and popular so people believe they are not the cause of the problem.
Parents must hold school officials accountable to stop abusive behaviour on the school yard and in the classroom. The first place to look is at the principals and teachers who bully students.
Every school year parents work to keep their children out of certain teacher’s classes because those teachers are bullies. It is often the parents who are least involved in their children’s lives whose children get the abusive teachers.
Too often children are seen as the problem, their aches and pains and reluctance to go to school are looked at but not the classroom environment.
·        Parents can work together.
·        Get supportive people to work as a group to hold bullies accountable.
·        Avoid TV programs that show bullies in action.
·        Be Self aware of tactics you may use to get your way
·        Watch the way others speak to your child and confront abuse.
People who bully are usually going about their lives confident that the victim’s physical and emotional reactions were because they are too sensitive, not mentally well and author of their own misfortune.
Bullies have usually been bullied. They are afraid of appearing weak or fearful. They need to tell their story of who has bullied them and how that behaviour has influenced their life to break the chain. It may be a parent, sibling, grandparent, friend, neighbour, role model on television, religious leader or teacher. Legal tactics include bullying as do many other forms of business interaction. Many workplaces are filled with bullies. War is bullying to the extreme.
There are lifelong repercussions of bullying that effect the way a person functions in their home and in society. Bullying causes a loss in self confidence, hinders achievement, disrupts routines, brings fear into the lives of parents and children, prevents parents from protecting their children out of their own fear and leads to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
Accountability involves forgiveness. Bullies need to,
·        Hear the impact of their behaviour on their victim
·        Be willing to accept responsibility for the harm they have done
·        Compensate the victim
·        Apologize
Society must evolve to a point where bullies are held accountable and their behaviour is seen as unacceptable if we are to ever live in peace as people, nations and globally.

Technorati Tags: Adults, bullies, Can't, School, Stop, Teach, them, Until

Technorati Tags: fear, over, women

Technorati Tags: committment, fear, some